|Posted by Ladyhawk on November 29, 2014 at 1:50 PM|
Today is Thanksgiving here in the USA.
A day of feeling closeness to family and kin like no other day except on Christmas. It is a day of great love and plenty to be thankful for.
I love cooking. I usually start the night before Thanksgiving and start cooking the turkey at midnight that way it is almost done by noon on turkey day instead of near dinner time. It is also a day for somber remembering of the ones that have passed on and can't be with us except in Spirit. Lighting a candle in remembrance of those dear to our hearts as a way of affirming to them "I won't ever forget you and what you meant to me and to this world." and pondering on "Did I show you enough love, kindness, and grace when you were here?" while getting messages from the spirit world with gifts of gratitude such as found shells, feathers, bones and other gifts of sweetness.
I remember the last Thanksgiving I had with my Grandmother. It was in 1992 and mom was dating a wonderful man so I decided to help them with the dinner. I went to his home with them and they didn't have to do anything except sit and have fun talking with one another. I did all the cooking and bought them a VCR so they could watch movies while I cooked for them. As we all sat around the table I looked at my Grandma and knew ~it was one of those inner feelings~ you never forget ~sombre and melancholy~ because you know this is it. This is the final Thanksgiving with her.
She was almost ninety and as she said the prayer for the blessing of the meal we bowed our heads and I saw our lives together flash before my eyes. I wanted to cry but it was a joyous occasion so I held myself in check as best I could. With silent pondering and yearnings of "I don't want you to go. I will miss you too much." I think she may have heard my heart breaking so she pulled me close to her after dinner and said "I may not be here next year with you but I will always be near you." and she gave me a big hug. The kind that only grandma's can give. You know the ones where they smother you in their arms and with their tabu perfume and there for a brief second you can't breath.But in a good way. The kind of way that nobody in your life will ever be able to duplicate.
My Mom and my Grandma were my biggest cheerleaders growing up. When others I loved doubted me and where I wanted to go with my life they were right there holding out with me for the long haul.. After two abusive relationships went south they were still my only cheerleaders. Mom was a folk singer that gave up her dream to have me and raise me and Grandma raised seven kids of her own not including helping mom with me. They were f-ing rock stars to me and I worried about what my inner life would be like without them in it. Am I carrying on their legacy in a way that would make them proud? They were both singers and I can't sing worth a fig. They loved being on stage and on camera and I get stage fright. They were great poets and lovers and I am still trying to find my own way. They say writer's carry a deep loneliness and longing within them and for me I was hoping this wouldn't happen but it did!
In January 2015 Mom turns 87. She's quickly approaching that year of age that Grandma died. Grandma's seat empy now and her soft voice at the table now hushed by her absence and by time but her presence can still be felt here in this space. In the little jewelry box in my heart that holds all secret and special things dear to it. How tragic my daughter never got to know her the way I did.
Mom had a stroke and a heart attack and wasn't doing well before she came to stay with me but since being on green smoothies, lemon water, and apple sauce for snacks instead of junk foods and junk beverages she seems to be doing pretty damned good for her age.
I am transitioning into my own goddess to crone years; going from wild woman to parent and caregiver, back to wild woman again with a lot of excitement and hair pulling in between. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
The full moon is fast approaching and it lights up the darkness and peeks through my bedroom window at night like a lover.
I change my curtains in the winter to let more light in my cold dark room. In the summer it tends to get too hot so I bring out the heavy dark curtains and in winter it is too dark so I switch back to the light soft veiled white or ivory ones that let the light in.
The grass is tall and perfect in the morning and evening light for photo taking. It brings with it a heavy grounding in this place. The kind that makes you want to run your fingers through the golden bars of wheat as you walk. Jump on a pile of crunchy leaves. Wear plaid with boots and a scarf all day~every day. And linger a little bit longer over thought provoking tribal blogs while sipping a little at a time on that half finished hot cocoa.
This year I trashed my old blog. It held too many stories. It was a top ten blog that prompted a book but it reminded me too much of the past. That blog and those stories changed my life. I poured my heart and soul into it. I cried tears of happiness, tears of joy, and tears of loss, and tears of defeat into it. It held the love of three men in it from a young girl's point of view and it was time to move on. I discovered that the best soul-mate in the world for me was myself. Nobody could nurture me or love me or spoil me as much as I can.
My word for 2015 is FORWARD because this year it is time to get myself back into the ebb and flow of life. I am a little afraid but I can't let fear hold me back.
I am thankful for being a sexpot in my young years
I am thankful for beautiful women that keep me accountable
I am thankful that mom is still here with me
I am thankful for a beautiful wild child of my own
I am thankful for seeing, feeling and embracing the light
I am thankful for patchouli, frankincense, and myrrh body oil
I am thankful to have amazing friends and mentors to learn from
I am thankful for salt lamps, crystals, stones, and feathers
I am thankful for relations that have come before us here
I am thankful for this space and holding it with gratitude
I am thankful for long hair, pretty boobs, and nice legs.
I am thankful after 30+ years of raising and importing Police K9's that I found and rescued the perfect dogs that weren't German Shepherds
I am thankful for long baths, warm tea, sexy morning hair and close shaved legs
I am thankful for lazy Saturday mornings and folk music, cleaning the house, cleaning out the closets, and having a clean sink
I am thankful for hiking in my own back yard
I am thankful for healers that are changing the world through their energy
I am thankful for seeing little glimpses of the type of man I would like to share my life with one day
I am thankful for standing up for myself when I was too afraid to have a voice
I am thankful for leaving that place before I turned to drugs or anything else that was bad for my body
I am thankful for being a hunter and gatherer
I am thankful for learning to heal myself and others
I am thankful for making nature art, mandalas, and cute whimsical toys for my daughter
I am thankful for god giving me a chance to raise my daughter without the need for wine or other numbing substances and for her to make the choice of saving herself for marriage. No matter whether it be to a man or to a woman. If that's what she decides.
I am thankful to have the heart of a lamb with the power of a lioness if need be
What are you thankful for?
Be well dear ones.
Aho Mitakuye' Oyasin